Every week our relationship specialist, Sarah Abell, answers visitors’ concerns on psychological problems.

7:00AM GMT 15 Mar 2011

In the past my companion, Sue, said she had dropped in love beside me and I also brushed her off saying, “I don’t feel exactly the same way, you’re my closest friend, I’m straight”. She is at enough time and is still in a committed relationship with kiddies. We always m.camsoda.con been close friends within the years with durations where she’d distance themself from our relationship however we’d return to being ok once more, at the least, I was thinking we did.

Sue now informs me she’s held it’s place in love beside me the whole time and has struggled whenever I’ve held it’s place in relationships, which may have for ages been with dudes. Fast-forward to now and I also find myself in my own very first relationship with a lady plus it is actually with Sue’s extremely friend that is best of 20 years. We don’t understand why it just happened nonetheless it did and it also’s good.

She ended up being waiting in my situation to really have the “ah ha” moment and realize I happened to be supposed to be along with her.

In addition to only explanation she thought through the years because I would never want to be with a girl that we weren’t together was. She blames me personally for the form her relationship has been around when it comes to previous many years and she feels that I’ve led her on when it comes to whole time.

Sue is extremely aggravated beside me and I also have no idea just how to navigate the specific situation. She wishes distance, that we have but i will be extremely annoyed too at having lost her friendship. She informs me she’s working on her behalf family and relationship now and if it gets better, we could be buddies later on. We come together and so I see her every single day. And her relationship with her friend that is best hasn’t changed; it is simply ours, which can be the situation. Do you’ve got any advice on the best way to salvage this relationship?

What a messy situation! I need to say reading your page I became reminded to be fifteen once again when my buddies and I also talked about “best friends”, had crushes, got jealous sporadically when buddies dated one another and would see red in case a move was made by a mate on somebody we liked. You aren’t teens navigating the turbulent waters of unrequited love, raging hormones and testing the boundaries of relationship I say it, should know better– you are grown women – who dare. In place of using the passive approach of thinking that is one thing taking place for your requirements – i believe it will be more effective in the event that you and Sue took some duty on your own actions and behavior.

Let’s begin with Sue. This woman is in “a committed relationship with kiddies” and blames you when it comes to bad state of her relationship with her partner. If she actually is in a committed relationship – why was she pursuing you for several these years anyhow particularly if you shared with her you weren’t interested? You can easily blame other folks nevertheless the truth is Sue permitted her emotions her and she, not you, is responsible for the state of her relationship with her family for you to consume.

You meanwhile seem unacquainted with why Sue might be upset and feel enraged that you have got lost her relationship. If you’re intent on salvaging this relationship you’ll want to attempt to comprehend her emotions and stay truthful in regards to the component you played in producing this present situation. Consider truthfully on– knowing as you did that she had romantic feelings for you whether you ever did anything to lead her? Could your friendliness or closeness have now been interpreted as flirtation? Might you have put up better boundaries around your friendship? You caused if you answered “yes” – consider apologising to Sue for any upset.

You don’t mention just exactly just how Sue discovered regarding the brand brand new relationship but if it ended up beingn’t from you straight – think of just how that made her feel. Have actually you attempted to show her exactly just how you abruptly became interested in a lady (specially a person who is her closest friend) whenever for a lot of years you advertised you can never fancy somebody of your very own sex? Once you understand the truth may help her to comprehend a small better.

Exactly what does your partner that is new think the problem?

It appears amazing that her relationship with Sue has remained unscathed. Did she maybe maybe not realize that Sue was at love to you before she made her go? But, as Sue is not upset she could help you to re-build your relationship with her, perhaps. Take to asking on her behalf insights on Sue’s responses and maybe some suggested statements on just exactly what might enhance issues.

My suggestion should be to speak with Sue, apologise if you want to and talk about methods for moving forward together with your relationship and working relationship. However it maybe that Sue can’t or move that is won’t using this. If that may be the situation – you’ve got no option but to respect her emotions also to keep her to re-build her relationships. Often readiness is knowing when you should keep well alone.

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